It officially feels like spring here, the sun is shinning, the weather is warm - something that should make me feel good and happy...but it doesn't. Something is missing - my Julian is not here and he was supposed to be here. He was supposed to be feeling the warm sun on his skin for the first time, while his big sister plays in the yard. I was supposed to be so tired from caring for infant twins and a toddler that I wouldn't have time to worry about anything else but feeding babies, changing diapers and trying to get some sleep. Instead I feel like I have too much time to worry about the future and dwell on the past. I have a newborn at home - he keeps me up at night...but not enough! I long for the cries of his absent baby brother. A longing that will never be fulfilled.
I've been trying to get my background and birth story down to post, but keep putting it off. I don't know why, because it keeps bugging me that I haven't written it down yet. Maybe next week I will finish it and get it up here.
And while I'm on a rambling rampage...it's Friday afternoon. Again, something that used to make me happy...the beginning of the weekend. But now Friday makes me feel sad. In 1 hour and 23 minutes it will be 9 weeks since Julian died. It seems so long ago, but at the same time, like it was just yesterday.
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