I dream of this...

I never got to hold both of my babies at the same time. It just wasn't something I was able to do. They were both born at the same hospital, but Julian was taken to Sick Kids and Jean-Luc remained in the NICU at Brampton for 11 days. Once they were born, they were separated. They never saw or were with each other again. They spent almost 9 months growing together and I dreamed of holding both of my baby boys in my arms. I waited patiently for the moment I could look down at both their faces at the same time - it never happened. I feel terribly sad that I not only didn't get to hold both of them at the same time, but that they never were with each other again once born. 

I have been having a hard time the last few weeks, at times I feel like I am hanging on by a very thin thread. I have been having mini panic attacks while trying to fall asleep at night. I start thinking about Julian and my chest starts to hurt, to the point that breathing gets hard and I have to remind myself to calm down and focus on my breathing.

I miss Julian. I am mourning his absence from our family, he is missing and I feel it ALL the time. My daughter, who is 2, was looking at pictures of the babies with me. I was trying to explain that Julian is not here anymore, but Jean-Luc is here with us. She remembers that there were TWO babies in mommy's tummy, but doesn't always understand or care that we only have one baby now. She is two years old and her brother Jean-Luc is the best to her. Anyways, when I told her we don't have Julian, she said "Mommy, we need to find him" - it broke my heart. She thinks he is not here because he is missing or we didn't bring home. I wish I could find him and bring him home for her, we all just miss him in our own ways right now.