Anger

I am so angry right now. I am sad and I am frustrated.  For me, there is no reason why things like this happen, they just do. When a baby or child dies, it is the most devastating and heartbreaking pain any parent will ever know. Nothing will take that pain away, you carry the grievous loss of your child forever.

This past week I stumbled upon two sweet babes who have died from SIDS in the last few days. My heart breaks for their parents and families.

Matilda Mae - http://www.edspire.co.uk/

Pat Pat -  https://www.facebook.com/TheProgressiveParent

You hear about babies dying from SIDS, but you never think it will happen to you. I used to think I was immune from child loss, that losing a child couldn't or just wouldn't happen to me. But it did. Even though my son's death was not at all SIDS related, the news and discovery of these two sweet babe's deaths has hit me hard. I am so saddened when I think about the pain families have to endure after the loss of a child. When I read  stories like these, I weep knowing that two more mothers have joined the awful community that I am also a member of for life - the community of grieving mothers.

The last few days I have been dwelling on the past and struggling with my own grief. I miss my sweet boy. I am trying to continue to find and acknowledge all the good in life. I have tried and will continue to try to enjoy every precious moment with my kids, these moments are special and I want to do all I can to apricieate them and treasure them.

Things on my mind

Well I made it. I made to and past the one year mark. Something I was really worried about and dreading for the weeks leading up to the one year anniversary of Julian's death. It was hard, but not as hard as I thought it was going to be. But as with so many other times this year, I think Jean-Luc's presence and our eldest daughter made the anniversary that much more bearable. 

On January 12th we celebrated the birth of both our boys. We had a mini party with the kids and did a cake smash photo shoot with Jean-Luc. I brought Julian's bear down with us for the day and we tried our best to enjoy and celebrate the one year mark for Jean-Luc. I don't know how to describe my feelings that day, I was happy, sad, confused, excited, depressed - and the list goes on, it was like a roller coaster of emotion the entire day. 

The next day, January 13th we hit the one year mark since the death of Julian. I was worried how this day might effect me. I was worried how I would be for the entire weekend - so we decided to play the whole weekend by ear and not make any plans. Surprisingly, the day was not as hard as I thought it might be. We had uncharacteristically warm weather on the 13th, and we decided to spend a family day at the zoo. It was nice to go out and do something we all enjoy and we talked about Julian a lot the entire day. On our way home, we stopped by the park to release some balloons for Julian (our daughter's only request for the entire weekend). While the balloons were disappearing, my husband and I looked at each other and both cried for the son we lost, and for the journey we traveled the last year and for the journey we will continue to travel for the rest of our lives.

My future journey is something I have been thinking about lately. As we approached the one year mark, I started thinking about what and how I would feel as time passes. Would the pain I feel be the same or worse, would I have better years and then worse years dealing with my grief, would my grief one day catch up with me and consume me. One night while looking at Julian's picture on my bedside table, I began to think if I will always keep that picture of my forever baby boy out on display? I can't ever imagine putting it away, but one day, will I be an old woman laying in bed staring at a picture of my dead baby from decades ago? Maybe. Sometimes I wonder, if on my death bed, I'll still be pining for my baby I only knew and held for the briefest moments in time.

On a happier note, I'll finish with some happy snaps.

 Jean-Luc has come so far in 1 year. He amazes me every day!

The Birthday Cake Smash

Julian's Bear and Picture were there for our celebration.

Celebrating Life at the Zoo

Enjoying warm January weather at the Zoo. 

 

On a side note, whenever I look down and see the empty seat beside my surviving twin in the stroller, I feel incredibly sad. It is a blatant visual reminder of what is missing and it rips my heart in two. My daughter, who is under three still rides in the stroller a lot, just to clarify that I'm not "that" crazy - I don't push around a double stroller to torture myself or anything. 

The New Year

December has passed and we had a nice family Christmas here. Lots of fun, lots of family and lots of toys for the kids. Christmas wasn't as hard as I had thought it might be. I thought of Julian a lot! I missed him terribly!  But I made it through the holidays.

Once Christmas was over, my thoughts turned to New Year's Eve. Last year I was so full of happiness and hope - this year I was so full of sadness and longing. It was hard to recognize that a full year had passed since I rang in 2012 with one in my arms and two in my belly and that this year I was welcoming the new year with only two in my arms and one forever in my heart. New Year's Eve was almost harder then Christmas.

Once New Year's Eve was over, the count down to the boys' first birthday began, and I am still counting. Only 3 more days until I hit the one year mark - and I have been dreading it. I feel really bad that I am not looking forward to it. I remember being so excited for my daughters first birthday, but I don't feel like celebrating this time. I feel a little overwhelmed with sadness just thinking about celebrating the birth of my twins, but with only one twin here. And knowing that the following day marks the 1 year anniversary of Julian's death. I know I can't avoid it and the day will come no-matter how much I wish it not to. So I am trying to just  make it past this weekend and survive the next few days.

 Some happy holiday photos!

Almost December

November has been a sick month for me! The kids were sick, I've been sick - I had a gallbladder attack mid month and for the last five days I have been struggling with a wicked cold. I am hoping for a healthier December.

This most recent cold has me remembering my pregnancy, the last time I was this sick I was pregnant with my boys. Last night while I was laying in bed alone just watching some TV, I got a sudden urge to cuddle Julian's bear. With my busy life and Julian's siblings keeping me so busy, I sometimes forget how much I miss my other little baby. My emotions are all over the place the last few days, I'm blaming cold medication and sickness - but I feel a mess right now.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 31 Sunset, but because I can...

another SUNRISE.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 30 Your Grief

I saw a similar post, and I am paraphrasing another baby loss mama - but her words fit my grief perfectly.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 29 Music -Only a months +1 day late!

I have been meaning to finish this, it is very me to start a project and then not finish it. So one month and 1 day later, I am picking up where I left off.

Music - I heard this song a few months ago and couldn't get Julian out of my head, when ever I hear this song I think of my boy.

1,2,3,4

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 28 Memory

It is hard for me to choose just one memory. I have many favorite memories when I think about Julian. I also have many negative memories associated with his birth, care after delivery and death, but my happy memories tend to stick out more than my negative and sad ones.

One of my most treasured memories is meeting Julian for the very first time. It had been almost 2.5 hours since the boys were born that I was wheeled into the NICU to meet my sons. They took me to see Juilan first, and he looked perfect - so perfect that I assumed he was the more "healthy" twin. But he was not. I didn't get to hold him during our first visit, but I did get to touch him. And my favorite part of this memory is that he opened his eyes and looked right at me. He did it a few times, and I am now so thankful that I was given the opportunity to see his beautiful eyes. I also feel thankful for the fact that he got to see me and his daddy - the two people who waited almost nine months for his arrival and were so excited and happy to be his parents.  The short first visit I had with him in the NICU was the first and last time I got to see his eyes, by the time I got to visit him at Sick Kids hospital he was already in an induced comma. But I am so thankful we got to see each other  at least once.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 27 Artwork

I received this gift at my shower from a dear friend. She painted me my pair of bananas - my twin boys. Our nursery for the boys was monkey themed and it fit in perfectly. The piece still hangs in the nursery and I look at it almost every day while I am nursing Jean-Luc. It makes me both happy and sad at the same time. I like that this piece reminds me daily that the sweet boy I get to hold in my arms was once part of a pair. A pair that was unfairly separated far too soon.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 26. Their Age

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 25 Baby Shower

This was my shower for the twins. It was fun. My shirt reads "I grow twins. What's your superpower?" - now when I look at that shirt I feel sad. Apparently I can grow twins, but I don't get to keep or raise twins.

Twins. Twins mean two of everything. Two cribs, two car seats, two of every outfit, a stroller to accommodate twins and a toddler - this shower I was showered with two of everything. It was great, but then there was having to part with the extra of everything. And to this day, over 9 months later, I will go to pull the next size clothes out of storage and find a few matching twins outfits. Sigh.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 24 Siblings

Julian has a big sister and a twin brother. Whenever I see pictures of my surviving kids or current family pictures, it is such a very bitter sweet feeling. I am so happy for what I have, but it pains me when I look and remember, there is someone missing and he will always be missing.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 23 Their Name/Their Photo

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 22 Place of Care/Birth

I think I will pass on this one. Honestly, when I think of the actual buildings associated with my prenatal care or the birth of my twins  - I get very negative and angry feelings.

I can't help it. Before the birth if the twins, when I would see our hospital where the twins were born I would have very happy and positive thoughts. It was the place our first daughter was born and I had very fond memories. But during my prenatal care with the twins, I had many ultrasounds at that hospital, which I found to be stressful and nerve racking. Then there was the delivery - I am angry about  how things proceeded during my arrival to the hospital, about decisions made regarding my delivery and then there is the delivery itself. I feel like mistakes were made.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 21 Altar/Shrine/Sacred Space

Coming

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 20 Charity/Organization

Our new charity of choice is to support Sick Kids Hospital. Sick Kids is where our dear Julian was transferred to, where amazing nurses, doctors and specialists took care of him and did their best for him.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 19 Project

There isn't a project I have worked on yet, but I do want to do something for the NICU in Brampton, the place our surviving twin spent the first few days of his life.

I would like to collect preemie sized clothing to donate. We brought our own clothes and little sleepers, but before our nurses realized that we had our own stuff there, they dressed our boy in the hospital clothing. It was the funniest sight ever, it had only been about 3 days after Julian died and it may have been my first serious giggle after my loss. Our baby was dressed like, what I called a Hobo baby. He was wearing a girls sized 6 month top that looked like a dress, a pair of 3month shorts (it was January) and he was  covered in the tattiest crocheted mini blanket - he looked hilarious, and there were other babies dressed like this. I remember thinking - they need some more appropriately sized outfits here!  

It is going to be slow for a few days

Things are going to be slow for the next few days. I will be staying at my parent's place with VERY slow internet, so my Capture Your Grief submissions may be on hold until after Friday.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 18 Family Portrait

Our family. We are all there, all 5 of us. Our daughter is holding Julian's Bear - this is our first picture with everyone. It makes me happy and sad at the same time.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 17 Anniversary/Birthday/Due Dates

We aren't there yet. We have not hit the one year mark. I think about what the day will be like all the time. Celebrating the first birthday of one son, while mourning the loss of another on the same day.

The only date we have hit so far was the due date, but now looking back on it, the day just passed us by. We actually held our daughters 2nd birthday party. I do remember  thinking today was the due date, but I don't think I really held much significance in the date of February 17th, as I knew I would never actually make it to that date.

January 12th and 13th will be the next big dates. I can't say I am looking forward to them, which makes me sad for our poor Jean-Luc.