This was a hard one, but I chose one with myself and both my surviving children. They were and are my strength and motivation to continue to find ways enjoy life everyday.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 3 After Loss Self Portrait
This was a hard one, but I chose one with myself and both my surviving children. They were and are my strength and motivation to continue to find ways enjoy life everyday.
CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 2 Self Portrait Before Loss
This is the last image I took of myself while pregnant with the twins. It was the morning before I delivered, I was uncomfortable, but excited and full of joy. I love this picture and I'm so glad I took it.
CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 1 Sunrise (or something else)
I don't want to lie to you or myself - I.am.NOT.a.morning.person. I don't do sunrises (and both my surviving children love me enough to sleep in most days). I want to find or create an image for everyday this month, so I will find something for this post and edit the entry when I do.
Day 1 Sunrise:
So my children have been waking up a little earlier this week. And I caught the sunrise two days in a row, but today (really day 5) I ran to grab a camera. This is where I see the sunrise most days, that's when I manage to actually catch it. It's been a long time since I took a picture of the sun coming up for the day, it is really quite a beautiful sight. I know I have two specific sunrise pictures from the past that I love, I am going to try to find them and post them.
Day 1 Sunrise:
So my children have been waking up a little earlier this week. And I caught the sunrise two days in a row, but today (really day 5) I ran to grab a camera. This is where I see the sunrise most days, that's when I manage to actually catch it. It's been a long time since I took a picture of the sun coming up for the day, it is really quite a beautiful sight. I know I have two specific sunrise pictures from the past that I love, I am going to try to find them and post them.
CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012 & Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month
I've been taking a break lately. But I've decieded to make an effort to take part in the "Capture Your Grief" project for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I can't promise that I will have a picture for everyday, but I will try my best to find or take one for the days that speak to me.
As for October being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, we are 3 days into the month and today is the first day I have mentioned it, out loud, to anyone. I talked about it with my dear friend who suffered the loss of a pregnancy today, and I briefly discussed some possible plans for the 15th with my husband - but nothing definite yet. We will see, but I do know I want to do something special to remember Julian on the 15th.
As for October being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, we are 3 days into the month and today is the first day I have mentioned it, out loud, to anyone. I talked about it with my dear friend who suffered the loss of a pregnancy today, and I briefly discussed some possible plans for the 15th with my husband - but nothing definite yet. We will see, but I do know I want to do something special to remember Julian on the 15th.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Changing it up...
I thought I would try to change it up a little. I just posted an entry I started a few weeks ago, and noticed many of my post focus on my downs and lows. There are also many happy and positive things happening in my day to day life, so I think I am going to "try" to balance out my happy vs. sadder posts.
We had a fun family week at the cottage. The weather didn't really cooperate with us, but we still had fun. Julian's absence was felt and acknowledged many times, which allowed us to discuss some happy and sadder memories of our little man.
My husband and I celebrated 6 years of marriage on August 19th. We had another low key family day, it was relaxing and funto hangout in our pj's with the kids for the day.
We had a fun family week at the cottage. The weather didn't really cooperate with us, but we still had fun. Julian's absence was felt and acknowledged many times, which allowed us to discuss some happy and sadder memories of our little man.
My husband and I celebrated 6 years of marriage on August 19th. We had another low key family day, it was relaxing and funto hangout in our pj's with the kids for the day.
I am not the same
Lately I have been thinking about the "before me" versus the "me I am today". I am not the woman I was before Julian died. I wouldn't have been the same woman if he had lived, but I wish it didn't take losing my son to realize how much I have changed. I'm sure I could have lived in a quite blissful state of naivety in regards to the feelings and pain associated with the death of your child. But that is not the case.
Julian dying changed me as a person in big ways, as well as in small ways. I think about the world differently now, as I have mentioned before, I have a new appreciation for life. I have come to realize how fragile it can be, and I really try to enjoy things more. I try to enjoy the good and the bad and I don't think I take life for granted, something I think I did more before my son died. I might think I can appreciate life more now, knowing how fragile it is - but I still know I would have preferred to have my Julian here now, instead of feeling like I can appreciate things in life more. In the end I know the constant back and forth I have with myself, about how I have changed since Julian died, is out of my hands and control. I can't do anything to bring my baby back and I slowly need to get used to the "me I am today".
The "me I am today" is":
More paranoid, I worry about my kids even more now. I worry that if something happened to one of them I could not return from my grief a second time. I worry that it may be my breaking point.
The more paranoid me worries so much that Jean-Luc sleeps on his Angelcare monitor EVERY night and most naps, because I can't relax unless I know he is safe and BREATHING.
I care less about things I used to think important, like laundry, house and yard work. If things don't get cleaned for a few days, who cares - I spent some extra times with my kids.
The new me also feels more alone. People who used to talk to me (including: family, friends, neighbours and acquaintances) don't come around or talk to me as much as before. I don't know if it is because they don't know what to say or do, but I do know that a few specific people who I once considered very close, have shown their true colours and have proved themselves as pretty horrible friends. (I might have to dedicate an entire post regarding this subject.)
The new me has good and even great days, and then something will happen and I can have a few horrible hours or even days of grief. I don't know how I will get used to a pain and hurt that will NEVER go away. It may lessen over time, but it will be with me until my dying day. Until this point in my life, nothing has effected me in this way, and some days I find thinking about dealing with my grief unbearable.
I have changed, it is undeniable - I am still learning to live with the me I am today.
Julian dying changed me as a person in big ways, as well as in small ways. I think about the world differently now, as I have mentioned before, I have a new appreciation for life. I have come to realize how fragile it can be, and I really try to enjoy things more. I try to enjoy the good and the bad and I don't think I take life for granted, something I think I did more before my son died. I might think I can appreciate life more now, knowing how fragile it is - but I still know I would have preferred to have my Julian here now, instead of feeling like I can appreciate things in life more. In the end I know the constant back and forth I have with myself, about how I have changed since Julian died, is out of my hands and control. I can't do anything to bring my baby back and I slowly need to get used to the "me I am today".
The "me I am today" is":
More paranoid, I worry about my kids even more now. I worry that if something happened to one of them I could not return from my grief a second time. I worry that it may be my breaking point.
The more paranoid me worries so much that Jean-Luc sleeps on his Angelcare monitor EVERY night and most naps, because I can't relax unless I know he is safe and BREATHING.
I care less about things I used to think important, like laundry, house and yard work. If things don't get cleaned for a few days, who cares - I spent some extra times with my kids.
The new me also feels more alone. People who used to talk to me (including: family, friends, neighbours and acquaintances) don't come around or talk to me as much as before. I don't know if it is because they don't know what to say or do, but I do know that a few specific people who I once considered very close, have shown their true colours and have proved themselves as pretty horrible friends. (I might have to dedicate an entire post regarding this subject.)
The new me has good and even great days, and then something will happen and I can have a few horrible hours or even days of grief. I don't know how I will get used to a pain and hurt that will NEVER go away. It may lessen over time, but it will be with me until my dying day. Until this point in my life, nothing has effected me in this way, and some days I find thinking about dealing with my grief unbearable.
I have changed, it is undeniable - I am still learning to live with the me I am today.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Dwelling on the past kind of day
Today I just miss Julian. I feel in a slump. We are supposed to be going on vacation tomorrow and I can't gather the energy to get things packed. The last time we were at the cottage I was pregnant with twins. This year I will be returning with only one of my twin boys, and thinking about it is beyond sad. I am trying to be happy and I know I should be enjoying the two beautiful children playing right in front of me, but I can't get Julian out of my mind today. There are days I feel so happy and full of joy. And then, there are days like today, when all I can seem to do is think about the past and dwell on what should have been. I just miss my boy.
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