CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 28 Memory

It is hard for me to choose just one memory. I have many favorite memories when I think about Julian. I also have many negative memories associated with his birth, care after delivery and death, but my happy memories tend to stick out more than my negative and sad ones.

One of my most treasured memories is meeting Julian for the very first time. It had been almost 2.5 hours since the boys were born that I was wheeled into the NICU to meet my sons. They took me to see Juilan first, and he looked perfect - so perfect that I assumed he was the more "healthy" twin. But he was not. I didn't get to hold him during our first visit, but I did get to touch him. And my favorite part of this memory is that he opened his eyes and looked right at me. He did it a few times, and I am now so thankful that I was given the opportunity to see his beautiful eyes. I also feel thankful for the fact that he got to see me and his daddy - the two people who waited almost nine months for his arrival and were so excited and happy to be his parents.  The short first visit I had with him in the NICU was the first and last time I got to see his eyes, by the time I got to visit him at Sick Kids hospital he was already in an induced comma. But I am so thankful we got to see each other  at least once.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 27 Artwork

I received this gift at my shower from a dear friend. She painted me my pair of bananas - my twin boys. Our nursery for the boys was monkey themed and it fit in perfectly. The piece still hangs in the nursery and I look at it almost every day while I am nursing Jean-Luc. It makes me both happy and sad at the same time. I like that this piece reminds me daily that the sweet boy I get to hold in my arms was once part of a pair. A pair that was unfairly separated far too soon.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 26. Their Age

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 25 Baby Shower

This was my shower for the twins. It was fun. My shirt reads "I grow twins. What's your superpower?" - now when I look at that shirt I feel sad. Apparently I can grow twins, but I don't get to keep or raise twins.

Twins. Twins mean two of everything. Two cribs, two car seats, two of every outfit, a stroller to accommodate twins and a toddler - this shower I was showered with two of everything. It was great, but then there was having to part with the extra of everything. And to this day, over 9 months later, I will go to pull the next size clothes out of storage and find a few matching twins outfits. Sigh.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 24 Siblings

Julian has a big sister and a twin brother. Whenever I see pictures of my surviving kids or current family pictures, it is such a very bitter sweet feeling. I am so happy for what I have, but it pains me when I look and remember, there is someone missing and he will always be missing.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 23 Their Name/Their Photo

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 22 Place of Care/Birth

I think I will pass on this one. Honestly, when I think of the actual buildings associated with my prenatal care or the birth of my twins  - I get very negative and angry feelings.

I can't help it. Before the birth if the twins, when I would see our hospital where the twins were born I would have very happy and positive thoughts. It was the place our first daughter was born and I had very fond memories. But during my prenatal care with the twins, I had many ultrasounds at that hospital, which I found to be stressful and nerve racking. Then there was the delivery - I am angry about  how things proceeded during my arrival to the hospital, about decisions made regarding my delivery and then there is the delivery itself. I feel like mistakes were made.