I know Julian isn't here. I understand that Julian is dead. I see his twin brother everyday, and I know I don't have my other precious baby. But sometimes it still doesn't seem real. It's like it never happened - like I never carried twins, gave birth to twins or held both of my boys, yet ended up with only one boy.
I think it doesn't always seem real because I have Jean-Luc. He is such an amazing baby and he makes me thankful everyday for all my children - and he does an amazing job of temporarily distracting me.
But there are times, when the the house is quite and my kids are sleeping, I'll glance at the photo display of ALL my babies and remember I have another beautiful baby boy. A baby boy who will always be my baby. And I remember (really remember) how I was supposed to have "my boys" - two babies. I remember how I set up a nursery for two, bought matching outfits for two, and dreamed of my three children growing up together - but now I only have two children I can watch grow up.
It is when I am alone, I remember what I have lost. I look at Julian's pictures and realize I will never get to hold or touch my beautiful boy again. My heart starts to break over and over again. I start to feel guilty for almost forgetting (I never really forget, but some how I have long periods of feeling happy) and then I feel broken and sad. I hold his pictures and quietly sob and weep for the baby I will never be able to hold again, never be able to watch play with his lovely siblings, never be able to watch grow up and see the man he could have become. And then I get angry. I get furious and start to play the whole scenario over in my head, and I question the decisions I made the morning I delivered, I question the decisions the hospital made before and after the delivery - I just question and question. I know there is nothing I can do now to change the past, but I am not over what has happened and I will never be over what has happened.
I miss my boy everyday.
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