Once again another Friday the 13th

The days and weeks following Julian's death passed very quickly, yet also very slowly. I don't know how to exactly describe what it felt and still feels like, but it always feels like he just died but at the same time like it happened a long time ago.

At first I counted by how many days it had been since Julian died, then it was how many weeks, which has turned into months. I think about him everyday, but the last few weeks I have been paying less attention the the dates since it happened. Just as I have been loosing track of time with how many weeks/months old his brother is (it is a bit sad - until now every Thursday has marked another week older for Jean-Luc and then I remember that the next day means it will also be another week since his brother, my other sweet baby has died).

Today kind of hit me hard unexpectedly. Today is the last day I will count in weeks from the birth and death, from now on I'll remember in months, until the two year mark, then it will be remembered in years. Today also happens to be another Friday the 13th, not that I believe in any superstitions in regards to the date - but it still sucks. It sucks that my baby died on a Friday the 13th and that every Friday the 13th will be another reminder of this.

So yesterday my little Jean-Luc turned 3 months old - where does the time go? He is such a good little man.

At three months he is:

• smiling
• ohhhing and awwhhhing
• still breast feeding exclusively
• sleeping from 12am-6:30'ish pretty consistently
• batting at toys
• napping like a champ
• hating tummy time (like his sister did)

Jean-Luc you are an amazing, happy and joyful baby. We love you so much, you and your sister bring a smile to us multiple times a day, every single day. I have loved every night feed, every poopie diaper and even the time you spit up in my mouth. We are looking forward to every moment with you.

Jean-Luc at 3 months.

Julian, it has been three months today since you died. We miss you everyday and think of you often. I tell you sister and your brother about you, they have no idea what I am talking about right now, but one day they will and they will know you were here and you were loved. You brought me happiness and I loved every minute I got to carry and then hold you. Some days I am still very sad that I can't have you here with me, you showed me how precious life is. And your sister and brother continue to remind me of how special life is everyday, and how we all need to live our lives to the fullest and enjoy our time together.

Julian

We love you sweet boy.

Love your Mommy