Even the sunshine wont take my hurt away...

It officially feels like spring here, the sun is shinning, the weather is warm - something that should make me feel good and happy...but it doesn't. Something is missing - my Julian is not here and he was supposed to be here. He was supposed to be feeling the warm sun on his skin for the first time, while his big sister plays in the yard. I was supposed to be so tired from caring for infant twins and a toddler that I wouldn't have time to worry about anything else but feeding babies, changing diapers and trying to get some sleep. Instead I feel like I have too much time to worry about the future and dwell on the past. I have a newborn at home - he keeps me up at night...but not enough! I long for the cries of his absent baby brother. A longing that will never be fulfilled.

I've been trying to get my background and birth story down to post, but keep putting it off. I don't know why, because it keeps bugging me that I haven't written it down yet. Maybe next week I will finish it and get it up here.

And while I'm on a rambling rampage...it's Friday afternoon. Again, something that used to make me happy...the beginning of the weekend. But now Friday makes me feel sad. In 1 hour and 23 minutes it will be 9 weeks since Julian died. It seems so long ago, but at the same time, like it was just yesterday.

The First Post...

It has been 7 week today since I gave birth to my twin baby boys and in just over 24 hours it will be 7 weeks since one of my twins died. I still can’t believe that my life has taken such an unexpected turn. I never thought that this is something that would happen to me. After fertility struggles and treatment, after a very successful and happy singleton pregnancy and delivery – I just didn’t think or expect that I would carry my twin boys to one day short of 35 weeks, only to have a life shattering incident lead to the death of one of my boys.

I’ve been thinking about how I would start this blog pretty much every evening as I am trying to fall asleep. Potential blog posts / thoughts run through my head – thoughts and feelings that I need to get out and write down. The last time I blogged was the first time we were trying to get pregnant, it was a very stressful and emotional period in my life and blogging seemed to help immensely. I tried to blog again after the birth of my daughter and when we were trying to have another baby, but it never panned out. I was in a good place and I guess I never felt the real emotional need to blog. At the moment blogging seems like the right thing for me, but only time will tell if it will help or even be something I will be able to keep up with.

I have 7 weeks of thoughts and emotions to get out now, so it will probably take awhile to get what I want to say out. My background, the birth story, the death of Julian and dealing with his loss as well as dealing with his surviving newborn bother and toddler sister will probably unfold through a series of blog posts. I have a lot of personal catching up to do before I feel I can move on.