CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 28 Memory

It is hard for me to choose just one memory. I have many favorite memories when I think about Julian. I also have many negative memories associated with his birth, care after delivery and death, but my happy memories tend to stick out more than my negative and sad ones.

One of my most treasured memories is meeting Julian for the very first time. It had been almost 2.5 hours since the boys were born that I was wheeled into the NICU to meet my sons. They took me to see Juilan first, and he looked perfect - so perfect that I assumed he was the more "healthy" twin. But he was not. I didn't get to hold him during our first visit, but I did get to touch him. And my favorite part of this memory is that he opened his eyes and looked right at me. He did it a few times, and I am now so thankful that I was given the opportunity to see his beautiful eyes. I also feel thankful for the fact that he got to see me and his daddy - the two people who waited almost nine months for his arrival and were so excited and happy to be his parents.  The short first visit I had with him in the NICU was the first and last time I got to see his eyes, by the time I got to visit him at Sick Kids hospital he was already in an induced comma. But I am so thankful we got to see each other  at least once.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 27 Artwork

I received this gift at my shower from a dear friend. She painted me my pair of bananas - my twin boys. Our nursery for the boys was monkey themed and it fit in perfectly. The piece still hangs in the nursery and I look at it almost every day while I am nursing Jean-Luc. It makes me both happy and sad at the same time. I like that this piece reminds me daily that the sweet boy I get to hold in my arms was once part of a pair. A pair that was unfairly separated far too soon.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 26. Their Age

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 25 Baby Shower

This was my shower for the twins. It was fun. My shirt reads "I grow twins. What's your superpower?" - now when I look at that shirt I feel sad. Apparently I can grow twins, but I don't get to keep or raise twins.

Twins. Twins mean two of everything. Two cribs, two car seats, two of every outfit, a stroller to accommodate twins and a toddler - this shower I was showered with two of everything. It was great, but then there was having to part with the extra of everything. And to this day, over 9 months later, I will go to pull the next size clothes out of storage and find a few matching twins outfits. Sigh.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 24 Siblings

Julian has a big sister and a twin brother. Whenever I see pictures of my surviving kids or current family pictures, it is such a very bitter sweet feeling. I am so happy for what I have, but it pains me when I look and remember, there is someone missing and he will always be missing.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 23 Their Name/Their Photo

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 22 Place of Care/Birth

I think I will pass on this one. Honestly, when I think of the actual buildings associated with my prenatal care or the birth of my twins  - I get very negative and angry feelings.

I can't help it. Before the birth if the twins, when I would see our hospital where the twins were born I would have very happy and positive thoughts. It was the place our first daughter was born and I had very fond memories. But during my prenatal care with the twins, I had many ultrasounds at that hospital, which I found to be stressful and nerve racking. Then there was the delivery - I am angry about  how things proceeded during my arrival to the hospital, about decisions made regarding my delivery and then there is the delivery itself. I feel like mistakes were made.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 21 Altar/Shrine/Sacred Space

Coming

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 20 Charity/Organization

Our new charity of choice is to support Sick Kids Hospital. Sick Kids is where our dear Julian was transferred to, where amazing nurses, doctors and specialists took care of him and did their best for him.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 19 Project

There isn't a project I have worked on yet, but I do want to do something for the NICU in Brampton, the place our surviving twin spent the first few days of his life.

I would like to collect preemie sized clothing to donate. We brought our own clothes and little sleepers, but before our nurses realized that we had our own stuff there, they dressed our boy in the hospital clothing. It was the funniest sight ever, it had only been about 3 days after Julian died and it may have been my first serious giggle after my loss. Our baby was dressed like, what I called a Hobo baby. He was wearing a girls sized 6 month top that looked like a dress, a pair of 3month shorts (it was January) and he was  covered in the tattiest crocheted mini blanket - he looked hilarious, and there were other babies dressed like this. I remember thinking - they need some more appropriately sized outfits here!  

It is going to be slow for a few days

Things are going to be slow for the next few days. I will be staying at my parent's place with VERY slow internet, so my Capture Your Grief submissions may be on hold until after Friday.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 18 Family Portrait

Our family. We are all there, all 5 of us. Our daughter is holding Julian's Bear - this is our first picture with everyone. It makes me happy and sad at the same time.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 17 Anniversary/Birthday/Due Dates

We aren't there yet. We have not hit the one year mark. I think about what the day will be like all the time. Celebrating the first birthday of one son, while mourning the loss of another on the same day.

The only date we have hit so far was the due date, but now looking back on it, the day just passed us by. We actually held our daughters 2nd birthday party. I do remember  thinking today was the due date, but I don't think I really held much significance in the date of February 17th, as I knew I would never actually make it to that date.

January 12th and 13th will be the next big dates. I can't say I am looking forward to them, which makes me sad for our poor Jean-Luc.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 16 Release

Yesterday, on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day we released 3 balloons for our dear Julian. It was very special for our family as it was the first time we have done something "physical" to commemorate Julian as a family.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 15 Wave of Light

Yesterday we lit our candle for Julian, and we lit a candle for all the other babies gone too soon. I posted our intentions to participate in the Wave of Light on Facebook yesterday and invited friends and family to join us in lighting a candle if they liked - and I was blown away by the number of candles lit for my sweet boy. Thank you everyone who thought of our son and all the other babies and their families.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It is a day of remembrance for all babies who have died too soon, from early pregnancy loss thru infant death.

Today I remember my son Julian, and I remember and think of all the other babies gone too soon. Today we plan on releasing a few balloons for our dear Julian. It is an important day for me and my family. We also have a special candle picked out for out sweet boy, the plan is to light it at 7pm tonight and join the wave of light. 

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 14 Community

There are many things about this community that I am thankful for. All I can say is a heartfelt thank you to all the members who have shared, lent an ear, a supportive word or offered a thoughtful suggestion.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 13 Signs

Day 10 Symbols would be the same as Day 13 for me. When ever I see a Mourning Dove I think of my sweet boy.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 12 Scents

Inside the zip-lock bag is Julian's receiving blanket that my husband brought back to my hospital room on the night the boys were born. The blanket was with Julian in the hospital and it smelled like him. I placed it in the zip-lock bag on the night he died in the hopes that it would maintain his scent for as long as possible. And it did. I took that blanket out of the zip-lock bag for the briefest of moments multiple times a day and would inhale his sweet scent, only to return it to the bag so it wouldn't loose that precious scent. Nine months later, the smell is not the same, but I still take the blanket out of the bag and hold it close. The padded rectangle was Julian's IV board in the NICU - it also smelled like my baby for a long time, now it smells of his memory box.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 11 Supportive Friend

I don't think this friend even realizes how special she has been. We met a few years ago in a baby swim class, our casual play dates have blossomed into a very special friendship for me and I am so glad she has been in my life, especially during these last 9 months. Her easy going and upbeat personality has been uplifting for me and she always is willing to lend an ear and lets me share anything and everything with her. So thank you dear friend - and I hope you don't mind I posted your picture here.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 10 Symbol

I have two symbols that make me think of Julian. The Mourning Dove and his teddy bear. Mourning Doves often hangout in my yard and appear in places I don't expect to see them, and they brighten my day every time I see one.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 9 Special Place

In my bedroom with my kids. I keep a lot of Julian's special items in my room and I love laying in bed with my kids looking at Julian's hand impression and pictures.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 8 Jewellery

The bear charm on my Pandora bracelet reminds me of my Julian - it represents the teddy bear that holds Julian's ashes. I also have two baby boy booties on my bracelet, a gift from my husband when we found out the twins were both boys.  I am still looking for the right piece of cremation jewellery. I'm looking at getting a glass bead that is made with Julian's ashes, but I'm not ready to open his bear to separate some of his cremains just yet.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 7 What To Say

There are lots of nice things people have said, but the one that sticks out in my mind the most was, "You need to do what ever you feel is right." - it was exactly what I needed to hear at the time and I still appreciate it. A simple "I'm sorry" is always appreciated, and far better then saying nothing at all (in my opinion). And a heartfelt hug can also be just as comforting than any spoken words some days. 

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 6 What Not To Say

A small sampling of the many things not to say. These are a few that really stung the most, especially since they were said by family and close friends.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 5 Memorial

 

Again, this was a hard one for me, because we didn't have a memorial service or funeral and Julian doesn't have a grave site (his bear containing his ashes lives in my bedroom - right where I want it). But I do plan on having a memorial for my little guy, we just haven't found the right way to commemorate Julian yet. But this image represents almost all my physical memories I have of Julian, and I plan on using the contents in this box to create a memorial display in our home. 

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 4 Most Treasured Item

My most treasured items of Julian are the special pictures and video clips I have of him. But I love his hand cast. We also have one of his foot, but it didn't turn out as well as the hand. A picture of each of my babies sit altogether in my special place.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 3 After Loss Self Portrait

This was a hard one, but I chose one with myself and both my surviving children. They were and are my strength and motivation to continue to find ways enjoy life everyday.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 2 Self Portrait Before Loss

This is the last image I took of myself while pregnant with the twins. It was the morning before I delivered, I was uncomfortable, but excited and full of joy. I love this picture and I'm so glad I took it.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012: Day 1 Sunrise (or something else)

I don't want to lie to you or myself - I.am.NOT.a.morning.person. I don't do sunrises (and both my surviving children love me enough to sleep in most days). I want to find or create an image for everyday this month, so I will find something for this post and edit the entry when I do.

Day 1 Sunrise:

So my children have been waking up a little earlier this week. And I caught the sunrise two days in a row, but today (really day 5) I ran to grab a camera. This is where I see the sunrise most days, that's when I manage to actually catch it. It's been a long time since I took a picture of the sun coming up for the day, it is really quite a beautiful sight. I know I have two specific sunrise pictures from the past that I love, I am going to try to find them and post them.

CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF 2012 & Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

I've been taking a break lately. But I've decieded to make an effort to take part in the "Capture Your Grief" project for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I can't promise that I will have a picture for everyday, but I will try my best to find or take one for the days that speak to me.

As for October being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, we are 3 days into the month and today is the first day I have mentioned it, out loud, to anyone. I talked about it with my dear friend who suffered the loss of a pregnancy today, and I briefly discussed some possible plans for the 15th with my husband - but nothing definite yet. We will see, but I do know I want to do something special to remember Julian on the 15th.