Lately I have been thinking about the "before me" versus the "me I am today". I am not the woman I was before Julian died. I wouldn't have been the same woman if he had lived, but I wish it didn't take losing my son to realize how much I have changed. I'm sure I could have lived in a quite blissful state of naivety in regards to the feelings and pain associated with the death of your child. But that is not the case.
Julian dying changed me as a person in big ways, as well as in small ways. I think about the world differently now, as I have mentioned before, I have a new appreciation for life. I have come to realize how fragile it can be, and I really try to enjoy things more. I try to enjoy the good and the bad and I don't think I take life for granted, something I think I did more before my son died. I might think I can appreciate life more now, knowing how fragile it is - but I still know I would have preferred to have my Julian here now, instead of feeling like I can appreciate things in life more. In the end I know the constant back and forth I have with myself, about how I have changed since Julian died, is out of my hands and control. I can't do anything to bring my baby back and I slowly need to get used to the "me I am today".
The "me I am today" is":
More paranoid, I worry about my kids even more now. I worry that if something happened to one of them I could not return from my grief a second time. I worry that it may be my breaking point.
The more paranoid me worries so much that Jean-Luc sleeps on his Angelcare monitor EVERY night and most naps, because I can't relax unless I know he is safe and BREATHING.
I care less about things I used to think important, like laundry, house and yard work. If things don't get cleaned for a few days, who cares - I spent some extra times with my kids.
The new me also feels more alone. People who used to talk to me (including: family, friends, neighbours and acquaintances) don't come around or talk to me as much as before. I don't know if it is because they don't know what to say or do, but I do know that a few specific people who I once considered very close, have shown their true colours and have proved themselves as pretty horrible friends. (I might have to dedicate an entire post regarding this subject.)
The new me has good and even great days, and then something will happen and I can have a few horrible hours or even days of grief. I don't know how I will get used to a pain and hurt that will NEVER go away. It may lessen over time, but it will be with me until my dying day. Until this point in my life, nothing has effected me in this way, and some days I find thinking about dealing with my grief unbearable.
I have changed, it is undeniable - I am still learning to live with the me I am today.
