Things on my mind

Well I made it. I made to and past the one year mark. Something I was really worried about and dreading for the weeks leading up to the one year anniversary of Julian's death. It was hard, but not as hard as I thought it was going to be. But as with so many other times this year, I think Jean-Luc's presence and our eldest daughter made the anniversary that much more bearable. 

On January 12th we celebrated the birth of both our boys. We had a mini party with the kids and did a cake smash photo shoot with Jean-Luc. I brought Julian's bear down with us for the day and we tried our best to enjoy and celebrate the one year mark for Jean-Luc. I don't know how to describe my feelings that day, I was happy, sad, confused, excited, depressed - and the list goes on, it was like a roller coaster of emotion the entire day. 

The next day, January 13th we hit the one year mark since the death of Julian. I was worried how this day might effect me. I was worried how I would be for the entire weekend - so we decided to play the whole weekend by ear and not make any plans. Surprisingly, the day was not as hard as I thought it might be. We had uncharacteristically warm weather on the 13th, and we decided to spend a family day at the zoo. It was nice to go out and do something we all enjoy and we talked about Julian a lot the entire day. On our way home, we stopped by the park to release some balloons for Julian (our daughter's only request for the entire weekend). While the balloons were disappearing, my husband and I looked at each other and both cried for the son we lost, and for the journey we traveled the last year and for the journey we will continue to travel for the rest of our lives.

My future journey is something I have been thinking about lately. As we approached the one year mark, I started thinking about what and how I would feel as time passes. Would the pain I feel be the same or worse, would I have better years and then worse years dealing with my grief, would my grief one day catch up with me and consume me. One night while looking at Julian's picture on my bedside table, I began to think if I will always keep that picture of my forever baby boy out on display? I can't ever imagine putting it away, but one day, will I be an old woman laying in bed staring at a picture of my dead baby from decades ago? Maybe. Sometimes I wonder, if on my death bed, I'll still be pining for my baby I only knew and held for the briefest moments in time.

On a happier note, I'll finish with some happy snaps.

 Jean-Luc has come so far in 1 year. He amazes me every day!

The Birthday Cake Smash

Julian's Bear and Picture were there for our celebration.

Celebrating Life at the Zoo

Enjoying warm January weather at the Zoo. 

 

On a side note, whenever I look down and see the empty seat beside my surviving twin in the stroller, I feel incredibly sad. It is a blatant visual reminder of what is missing and it rips my heart in two. My daughter, who is under three still rides in the stroller a lot, just to clarify that I'm not "that" crazy - I don't push around a double stroller to torture myself or anything. 

The New Year

December has passed and we had a nice family Christmas here. Lots of fun, lots of family and lots of toys for the kids. Christmas wasn't as hard as I had thought it might be. I thought of Julian a lot! I missed him terribly!  But I made it through the holidays.

Once Christmas was over, my thoughts turned to New Year's Eve. Last year I was so full of happiness and hope - this year I was so full of sadness and longing. It was hard to recognize that a full year had passed since I rang in 2012 with one in my arms and two in my belly and that this year I was welcoming the new year with only two in my arms and one forever in my heart. New Year's Eve was almost harder then Christmas.

Once New Year's Eve was over, the count down to the boys' first birthday began, and I am still counting. Only 3 more days until I hit the one year mark - and I have been dreading it. I feel really bad that I am not looking forward to it. I remember being so excited for my daughters first birthday, but I don't feel like celebrating this time. I feel a little overwhelmed with sadness just thinking about celebrating the birth of my twins, but with only one twin here. And knowing that the following day marks the 1 year anniversary of Julian's death. I know I can't avoid it and the day will come no-matter how much I wish it not to. So I am trying to just  make it past this weekend and survive the next few days.

 Some happy holiday photos!